Welcome Home, Baby Faelan!
My heart jumps with joy when I see the monastery in the distance from the wagon.
“Look Faelan,” I say, holding her up and making sure to support her tiny head, “This is home!”
Faelan’s yellow eyes are unfocused and she squeaks. I kiss her cheek. “Oh, dearheart, you are going to love your new home. We are going to live in the infirmary. Brother Ælfric runs it. Brother John used to run it, but he died a few years ago. We pray for him and you’ll hear Brother Ælfric mention him. I think you will like Brother Ælfric. He is very kind. Oh, and you are asleep.”
I tuck Faelan back into her sling, careful to support her tiny horned head. Abbot Gunter is sitting beside me, watching with mild interest. He came to my mother’s villa on a horse, but wanted to ride back with me in the wagon. My father is letting me borrow it to ride back home. One of his slaves, Lil, is driving the wagon. I don’t know Lil particularly well. He recently sold himself to my father but I’m not sure why. I didn’t think it polite to ask because usually people only sell themselves when things go horribly wrong in their life.
“Do you think she’ll like living in the infirmary?” I ask Abbot Gunter.
“She has no other choice,” Abbot Gunter says, still not taking his eyes off of her. I swallow. I know he really means I have no other choice.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.
“Of course I am,” Abbot Gunter snaps. “You’ve willfully broken your vow of chastity with a demon, conceived a child, and lied about it. Twice .” He sighs and stares at Faelan. “But what’s done is done. Now we must ensure that she is raised in the Christian faith and does not behave as her parents do.”
I blush. “I will happily do penance for breaking my vow.”
“But you don’t regret it.”
I shake my head and flick my fingers. Abbot Gunter sighs again, tilting his head back.
“I am feeling generous, Brother Bennett. Much more generous than I should be. You and your daughter are part of my flock. On Judgement Day, I will need to stand before our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and explain to Him why I allowed my flock to stray. I will make you return to the proper path with Faelan by your side.”
“If God didn’t will me to stray, why allow Ravenna to tempt me?” I ask.
Abbot Gunter glares at me. “Are you mocking me?”
“No. You said that God wills everything. If God didn’t will Faelan to have been created, then why allow Ravenna to do what she did?”
“I’ve asked myself this every day for the past thirteen years.”
“Do you want to hold her?” I ask.
He sighs again and holds out his hands. I place Faelan in his arms. He slips into a more comfortable position and stares at Faelan who has woken up. I turn my head towards the approaching monastery. Oh, how I’ve missed everyone! I’ve not seen them for nine months. I wonder how everyone is doing. I wonder if they will still want me at the monastery. How badly will I be teased? I did get pregnant, so I am sure there will be some teasing. I pray that it’s not too merciless. Even though I do fully deserve it…
Abbot Gunter yelps. I turn back around. Faelan’s mouth is open and she is grunting and moving her tiny face all around on Abbot Gunter’s chest. He tries to hold her out a few inches, but Faelan is squirmy and is very determined to not only nurse on Abbot Gunter, but to escape her swaddling clothes too! She thrusts herself forward and Abbot Gunter has to press her to his chest so as not to drop her. She grunts and continues to try to root. Lil turns around to see what is going on and snickers.
“Here sir,” I quickly take her. “Let me feed her, please.”
Abbot Gunter doesn’t argue. I slip my neckline down and bring Faelan to my chest as Abbot Gunter wipes baby slobber off his linen scapular with his handkerchief. Faelan begins to nurse. I stroke her cheek and she grunts happily.
“You are so good at eating,” I coo. “You are the best little girl in the entire world!”
“Brother Bennett,” Abbot Gunter says.
I look up. His scapular is still wet with drool.
“You must teach your daughter humility. Don’t puff her up.”
“Faelan,” I say, “We must listen to Abbot Gunter. He’s right. We must be humble. We are no better than worms.” I lean forward and whisper in her ear, “But you are the best worm in the entire world and I love you so much.” I kiss her tiny head.
Abbot Gunter sighs.
Faelan stares up at me with her big yellow eyes. I smile at her. She smiles back before going back to nursing. I wipe the milk that spilled out of her mouth off her cheeks with my sleeve. She is so cute!
“When will you be finished feeding her?” Abbot Gunter asks.
“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” I reply truthfully. “Whenever she’s done, I suppose.”
“And when will that be?”
I flick my fingers nervously. “I don’t know, sir. Sometimes she eats really fast and other times she takes her time. She’s new, so she doesn’t really know what she’s doing yet.”
Abbot Gunter nods slowly. He sighs. “Well, I would have liked you to finish feeding her before your brethren notice you have arrived, but I fear that is too late.” He gestures towards the monastery. My heart drops. I can hear someone ringing the bells. I clutch Faelan closer to my chest. She squeaks, but does not stop nursing.
The gates are opening and monks and nuns and oblates are pouring out. I don’t want them to see that I have breasts now. I look around for something to cover me up. Abbot Gunter sighs again, takes off his scapular and places it over my head.
“For your modesty,” He murmurs as he adjusts the fabric so my breasts cannot be seen. Faelan does not seem to mind being covered. Only the foot end of her swaddle is not covered by the black linen. She is too busy grunting and sucking to care about the sudden lack of light, it seems. I pat her back. I guess this means despite the scary change in her environment, she still feels safe with me! I cannot help but grin. Abbot Gunter frowns. I turn my head away so he can’t see my grinning.
It seems the entire monastery and nunnery has come out to greet me. Even Hamon has come out. But he watches me with a neutral face so I cannot tell what he’s thinking. They are all talking and shouting all at once. Hamon is the only one who is quiet. I can’t hear clearly exactly what everyone is saying, but I am getting bits and pieces.
“Is it alive?”
“–Brave to show your face!”
“Good to–”
“It’s moving!”
“–Nursing? You can do–?”
“Holy God Almighty!”
“I wanna see!”
“–You baptise it?”
I do not think they will hurt me or Faelan, but their excited shouts are so loud it hurts. I press Faelan closer to my chest and turn away from the noise, bringing my ear to my shoulder to help muffle all the talking. Abbot Gunter says something to everyone and they continue chatting. However, Lil drives the wagon inside the monastery gates. Everyone follows.
Abbot Gunter instructs Lil on how to drive to the infirmary. Lil obeys. Once we are there, Abbot Gunter helps me out of the wagon, gives Lil a coin of some sort, and quickly ushers me inside. I’m glad he’s done so. I only gave birth to Faelan a few days ago and my sinful areas hurt. Also I am pretty sure I’ve bled through the nappy I have to wear. Usually I am okay with rags with moss inside them, but I have been bleeding much more heavily than I normally do. This is normal (or so I’ve been told). I wasn’t sure about travelling back to the monastery so soon after having a baby, but Mum was making things awkward and uncomfortable at her villa and also Satan came and visited me and Nervala carved magical sigils into my skin after I baptised Faelan to punish me, so Abbot Gunter decided I would go back to the monastery immediately as it would be safer there. I feel safer.
I also feel very damp.
He takes me to the private cell. “This is where you will be living until the baby is weaned.”
The cell is very cozy. It’s Brother John’s old cell. It has been cleared out of his things. It’s empty except for a bed, a table, a chair, a few hooks on the wall, my poppet on the bed, and a small cradle for Faelan. The cradle is made of carved wood. I want to flap my hands but I’ve got Faelan in my arms, so I don’t. I tap my feet instead.
“Give me the baby,” Abbot Gunter says. “I will burp her while you sort yourself out.”
“Huh?” I look behind me. My orange tunic is stained with blood. “Oh.”
“Put your tunic and my scapular in the laundry basket,” Abbot Gunter continues. “Brother Ælfric should be here shortly. He will help you with your needs.”
I nod, give Faelan a kiss and give her to Abbot Gunter. He sits down with her on my bed.
“When you burp her,” I say, “Be sure to position her head so it is not facing anything flammable. She breathes fire.”
“She what?”
“She breathes fire.”
“Oh my God.” He looks at my baby. She looks back at him. She gives him a gummy smile. Abbot Gunter does not smile back. He just looks at her with wide, slightly terrified, brown eyes. I wait to see if he will smile. He does not. I don’t like that he doesn’t smile at Faelan, but I suppose that is something I’m going to have to get used to. So I go over, stroke Faelan’s head, careful not to touch her soft spot, and give her a kiss on her forehead. Then I whisper, “Be good for Abbot Gunter. He is trying his best. Daddy will be back soon, he just has to change.” I give her another kiss. Abbot Gunter gives me a strange look. I look back at him.
“I'll be back soon,” I tell him.
“Please,” he says as he puts Faelan on his shoulder. He raises his hand to burp her. He stops. “Is there anything else I should know about taking care of your child before you leave?”
“Only that she’s the best girl in the world,” I beam proudly.
He nods slowly. “Go change out of your bloody clothes, Brother Bennett.”
“Yes, sir.” I leave Brother John's old cell and go out into the infirmary. Brother Ælfric is there waiting for me. I can’t really tell what he’s thinking. He has a concerned and slightly bemused look on his face. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. So I just look at him.
“Welcome back,” he says. “How are you feeling?”
“Good,” I reply. “Though my…sinful areas hurt. But other than that I feel okay.”
He nods. “Let’s get you cleaned up then. I’ve told everyone not to come to the infirmary, but I’m going to be honest Brother Bennett, I don’t know how long I can hold them off.”
“Do you think they're going to hurt her? Because no one can hurt her. I won't let them.”
“Oh good heavens no! Everyone is just very curious,” He gives me a kind smile.
“Even Brother Hamon?”
“I…I don't know about Brother Hamon. He’s not told anyone what he’s thinking. But you shouldn’t worry about him. You just worry about yourself and your daughter.”
“I'll try, but worrying about myself and Faelan includes worrying about everyone else and what they will do to her.” I flick my fingers.
“No one is going to hurt her,” he says with a smile. “I promise.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I won’t let them.”
“Swear to God. Swear to God that you will keep your oath.”
Brother Ælfric’s eyes grow wide.
“Do it,” I command. “Do it or I shan’t believe you.”
“I swear to God I will not let anyone hurt your daughter.”
I sigh in relief. My body feels like it's going to melt. He takes me into his arms.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? Then I’m putting you and Faelan to bed. You need to rest if you are going to heal properly.”
“Okay.”
Once I am cleaned of blood and my nappy and clothes are changed, Brother Ælfric brings me to the cell. The infirmary doors are locked, but I can hear people talking outside them. Plus some people are looking in the window. I don’t particularly like that. It makes me feel like a caged animal. I would put a hood over my face, but I’m not wearing a habit, so I don’t have one. Brother Ælfric gave me one initially, but I found I couldn’t easily move the fabric to nurse, so I’m wearing an old linen under tunic that is very very worn. Because it is so worn, Brother Ælfric cut a slit in the neckline as he was going to make it into bandages anyway. The under tunic is also too tight, so Brother Ælfric cut slits in the sides as well so it somewhat fits me.
“I will try to find you some proper clothes while we wash your orange tunic,” he says, “But I fear you may need to borrow a dress from the village until someone can make you a new habit.”
“That’s fine,” I say. “I just want to feed her without having to take off all my clothes!”
We go to my new cell. Inside, Abbot Gunter is sitting on the bed. His black habit is drenched in white spit up. However, despite the fact my daughter threw up all over him, he’s holding her in such a way that he can stare straight into her face. He holds her little head up as the rest of her body rests on his thighs. She gurgles and he smiles–a very small smile–at her. I lean against the doorframe to watch. I guess he is growing to love her just as I do!
Then Abbot Gunter turns his head. As soon as he sees me and Brother Ælfric he stops smiling. He puts a very strict look on his face.
“Come take your child so I can clean myself of her vomit.” He orders. I obey. Faelan squeaks happily as I take her into my arms.
“Today,” he continues, “You are to rest and take care of your child. You are not to leave the infirmary until I give you permission to do so. Or if there is a fire. Is that understood?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. And when she sleeps, you are to reflect upon your sins.”
“Yes, sir.”
He nods at me and then Brother Ælfric, before gliding out of the room. As soon as he is out of the infirmary and I can hear the other monks and nuns showering him with questions, I turn to Brother Ælfric.
“What do you think he’s thinking?” I ask. “He’s angry, but he was smiling at Faelan. I don’t…I don’t get it!”
“Oh, he’s furious at you,” Brother Ælfric says as he helps me into bed. “You’re damn lucky he sent you away before he had time to really think about the implications of what you’ve done.”
“What did he do after I left?”
“Let’s not dwell on that,” Brother Ælfric smooths out the sheets over my legs. “Abbot Gunter may be furious at you and you willingly breaking your vow with a demon, twice –”
“How do you know about the first time?” My stomach drops. I did break my vows twice. The first time, I lost my son, but no one knows about that except me, Nervala, Abbot Gunter, my aunt and my cousin and I guess some people in Jorvik.
“Abbot Gunter… mentioned it.”
“Oh.”
I get the sense he did more than mention it.
“Anyway, he has conflicting feelings about half demon children,” Brother Ælfric continues. “It’s not their fault their mothers are sinners and their fathers are literal demons.”
“I’m Faelan’s father,” I correct.
Brother Ælfric gives me a look.
“I am.”
“You got pregnant. That makes you her mother.”
I’ve already argued with my own mother enough about this. I’ll let Brother Ælfric think what he wants. I do not feel like arguing with him.
“Whatever,”I say.
Brother Ælfric frowns. “You are.”
“I heard you.”
He sits on my bed. “Brother Bennett, I don’t think you realise the severity of your situation.”
“Abbot Gunter had his body changed. We still consider him a man.”
“You had your body changed willingly . He did not.”
“Yeah, I know,” I snap. I am more irritable than I want to be. I kind of wish I had fled into the woods with Faelan after Abbot Gunter said he was taking me back to the monastery. Actually, I kind of wish I had fled to Jorvik to be with Aunt Siggy and my cousin Tillian, after he brought me to my parents’ estate. But I was very, very ill and it's too late now.
Brother Ælfric stares at me for a very, very long time without saying anything. I hold Faelan close. He sighs.
“Abbot Gunter is putting on a show,” he says finally. “Your daughter is in his good graces, but you are not. He cannot let others think he condones his monastics breaking their vow with demons. He’s said because you are simple, you knew not what you were doing.” He holds up his hand as I open my mouth. “And do not correct me on that. You are simple and you will continue to be simple as if you are not, there will be severe consequences from the authorities outside our monastery. You have gotten away with more than you should because no one knows what to make of this.”
No one has said anything to me about what other people are saying, especially not any sort of authority. I swallow. I wonder if Brother Ælfric is telling the truth or if this is a lie to punish me. Sister Maud is a literal witch and no one seems to care all that much. Granted, she is an extremely powerful witch who has killed people with a single glare, so I guess she is the exception as most people are too scared of her to do anything about it. I place my hand over the sigil Nervala carved on my upper chest. It still hurts. Maybe if I learn magic like Sister Maud has, then I can get away with the same things she does. I must keep Faelan safe. But now isn’t the time to try to learn magic. Especially not when I’m bleeding and in pain.
“What type of authorities?” I ask.
“Er, all of ‘em.”
Even I can tell Brother Ælfric is lying. He doesn’t know. So I just nod.
“I’ll do what I need to do to repent,” I lie.
“Good.” He starts towards the door. In the doorway he hesitates. “Brother Bennett…I…just…why?”
I stare at him. I don’t know what he means. He gestures to Faelan.
“Why a demon?”
I stare back at Faelan. She is asleep in my arms.
“I wanted to be a father,” I reply. “And I didn’t want to corrupt anyone. Besides, who would want to sleep with me?”
Brother Ælfric says nothing. He can’t. No one in the monastery loves me as a lover. No one ever really has. There was Leofwin, Archbishop Roderic’s son, but he didn’t love me. He just wanted to use me and things ended very poorly between us. We were never even lovers. We were friends, but I cannot thrive in the city. And at the end of the day, he became a bishop and is doing I don’t know what. I only became a monk because I couldn’t find a wife when I was ten years old. Everyone else has no problem finding love. But I guess when you are simple and fat, no one will ever really want to fornicate with you…except a being of pure evil. But when you’ve spent twenty-five years without being loved like a lover, you will take what you can get and you will be grateful for it. I don’t tell Brother Ælfric this though.
“Why couldn’t you have at least had It carry your child?”
“She refused. And I wanted to be a dad,” I smile down at Faelan. “It was worth it.”
He sighs. “Get some sleep. I’ll tell everyone you are resting. But in a few hours you are going to have many visitors, whether you like it or not.”
I nod. Once he leaves, I try to put Faelan in the cradle next to my bed. She wakes up and starts to fuss, so I walk around for a bit to soothe her back to sleep. It takes a while and a lot of cuddles, but I eventually get her down. Once she is asleep in her cradle, I lay down in my own bed and go to sleep.
Eventually, I wake up to the sound of Faelan fussing. I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep, but whatever length of time it’s been, it’s not been long enough. I pick her up out of her cradle. The cause of her fussing is very apparent from the wetness.
“Shhhhh,” I whisper, “I’ve got you dearheart. I’m gonna change you right now. Let me just find you a clean cloth.”
Faelan screams .
I rock her and go out into the infirmary to find something to change her into. Brother Ælfric is nowhere to be found, so I go into the storeroom, find some clean cloth usually used as a towel, and go back to my cell. Faelan has only wet her clothes, so it is easy for me to clean her with a bit of water and the dry part of her swaddling cloth. After I dry her, I make sure she is nice and straight and swaddle her tightly, but not too tight. Then I give her a kiss between her horns and sit down in bed. She stares up at me and I stare down at her. I hum her a little lullaby. She yawns and her eyelids slowly start to droop. I continue singing. When her eyes have been closed for a few minutes, I stop singing. I resist the urge to kiss her again. I also sense that I am being watched.
I look up. Brother Maldwyn is in the doorway. My heart drops. His face is neutral. He stares at Faelan, then at me.
“How are you feeling?” He whispers.
“Okay,” I whisper back. “I just got Faelan to sleep.”
He approaches me slowly. I let him. He leans over to get a good look at Faelan’s face.
“She looks just like you,” he whispers.
“I know,” I smile. “I’m really pleased. I think I’d be upset if I spent all that time growing her, carrying her, and then laboring with her if she didn’t look at least a little like me. Though, she does have her Mummy’s colouring.”
“That she does.” He straightens up. “Have you eaten?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I will make you caudle for your lying-in period,” he says awkwardly.
“Thank you,” I say.
We stare at each other.
“Bennett,” Brother Maldwyn sighs, “I really cannot express how disappointed I am in you.”
My heart drops further into my stomach. I look away from him for a few moments, thinking if I should say what I want to say. I decide that I do. I won’t be scolded by him. Not for this at least.
“Don’t tell me how disappointed you are,” I say. “Not when I know you what you did with Brother Theobald.”
Brother Maldwyn’s eyes widen and for a moment I think he’s furious at me. Then he laughs.
“No, you are right,” he says. “You’ve grown up. I don’t think you would have called me on my own hypocrisy before.”
I cannot help but smile back. “No, I don’t think I would have. I think having Faelan has made me grown up quite a bit.”
He squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll be back soon with your caudle and some meat. Is there anything else I can get you?”
“Just some more swaddling clothes for Faelan, please.”
“I’ll ask Brother Hrodberht.”
“Thank you.”
“You take care of yourself and the little one,” he says. And he leaves me alone in the cell.
I lean back in my bed. I am about to take some time to snuggle Faelan when the door opens again . This time it is Sister Maud. I find myself being asked what feels like a thousand questions about my sinful areas, the rate of bleeding, my forehead and back of my neck being felt for a fever, and all sorts of things. She inspects Faelan. When she is satisfied that neither of us will die, she helps me change my nappy, helps me back into bed, and then leaves again.
I’m about to try to go to sleep for a little bit, when Brother Maldwyn returns with my food. He places it on the table and drags the table near my bed.
“I’ll hold the baby while you eat,” he says.
“Thank you,” I hand Faelan to him. However, the second she is out of my arms, she starts whimpering and moving her head around. “Oh, nevermind.” I take her back and begin to nurse her.
“When did you last eat?”
“A little after Prime, I think.”
“It’s after Nones, now. I would like you to eat.” He sits down next to me. He hands me the wooden cup and I drink from it. I hand it back to him. He holds out the bowl of stewed meat. I take a piece and eat it. A bit of broth drops onto Faelan’s head and she bites down on my nipple in protest.
“Ow!”
Brother Maldwyn wipes away the broth from her forehead with his sleeve. She continues to nurse. Brother Maldwyn helps me eat the rest of the meat and drink the caudle. I am grateful for his help. The food is delicious and very, very nourishing. I think he used pepper and garlic to season the beef. Monks aren’t supposed to have the flesh of four legged animals unless they are ill, but Maldwyn must have bought some for me at the village market when he found out I was coming back home.
Faelan and I both finish eating at the same time. I burp her and Brother Maldwyn takes the bowl and cup away to be cleaned. He says he will visit me in the morning with breakfast before leaving. I am left all alone.
Thank the Lord!
Once I get a few good burps up from Faelan, I praise her and put her down in her cradle. I stroke her soft little cheek and lay down to sleep. I’m just about to doze off when I hear whispers outside my door. Oh Heaven, I am tired! And in pain. But I have a few guests.
When someone knocks on the door, I say, “Come in.”
The door opens and Brother Æthelwine, Brother Wulfric, and Sister Ediva come in.
“We want to see the baby,” Sister Ediva announces.
“Not me?” I ask, slightly hurt but also a little amused I guess.
“We’ve seen you since you were eleven years old,” Brother Wulfric says as he enters. “We know what you look like.”
“I have long hair now,” I say as I sit up. “Don’t wake her. I just got her to sleep.”
“Looks great,” Brother Æthelwine says gesturing lazily to my hair, which I am sure is very messy. “We’ve never seen a demon baby before.”
“Well, I guess you can come take a look. But if you wake her up, you have to be the ones to calm her back down.”
“Sure, sure.” Brother Æthelwine and Brother Wulfric say. They all crowd around Faelan’s cradle.
“Awwwwww,” Sister Ediva says, “She’s adorable.”
“I know,” I say proudly. “Thank you!”
“Does she have a tail?” Brother Wulfric asks.
“No,” I say. “She does have wings though. They’re swaddled so you can’t see them.”
“Did the horns hurt?” Brother Æthelwine asks.
“How do you mean?”
“Æthelwine!” Sister Ediva scolds. “You can’t ask him that!”
“Oh,” I say. “Er, no. I guess not? The whole thing hurt. They are a bit bigger now than they were when she was born. They were just little red nubs, really. Now they are sharper too…”
Oh Heaven, she’s only just been born and she already is growing up! Grief floods my body and bursts out of my eyes. Brother Æthelwine and Brother Wulfric jump back. Sister Ediva sits beside me and takes me into her arms. I sob into her shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, rubbing my back. I tell her.
“Bennett,” she says, “She’s a baby. They are supposed to get bigger. You don’t want them to stay small forever.”
“I know!” I cry. “But it’s all happening so fast! She was so tiny and now she’s growing and one day she was inside of me and now she’s not and I’m so happy that she is here, but I’m also really, really scared for her and that someone will do something bad to her because she has horns and wings and yellow eyes, but she’s not evil! She’s just a little girl!”
“No one thinks she’s evil,” Brother Wulfric lies.
“Oh Heaven! I bet everyone does! But she’s not! She’s perfectly good! Born with original sin, like we all are, but I baptised her, so she has been cleansed! And I’m not delusional! I know that! Her sire can’t pick her up because she has been baptised, so that means she can be good.”
“So, it’s true that you did do this on purpose?” Sister Ediva asks.
“Well, yeah!” I wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
All three of them look at me in disbelief.
“What?!”
“We didn’t think you had it in you,” Brother Wulfric says.
“I did,” Brother Æthelwine declares. He turns to Brother Wulfric. “He can be a menace when he wants to be.”
“I’m only a menace when people are dumping ink on my folios!”
“That was an accident!”
I know that it was. But at the time it really did seem that Brother Æthelwine did it on purpose. (When I was fourteen we had to finish a manuscript within a week as Brother Wulfric forgot to write it down in our commissions. Abbot Gunter prides our scriptorium on never going over a deadline while still producing high quality work. Usually we are able to do this because we never take on more than we can manage. But Brother Wulfric forgot that one, the patron who is also a local Dane wrote to ask about picking it up soon, and everyone in the monastery had to scramble to help. The oblates were in charge of putting the parchment out to dry. And Pippin, who was an oblate at the time, forgot to pin the parchment down so they blew away. We collected all the parchment, thank the Lord, but several pages had to be redone. Brother Æthelwine ranted and raved and when I told him that Pippin didn’t do it on purpose so he shouldn’t be mad, Brother Æthelwine held an ink pot over the best page I had done up to that point (I’ve done better illuminations since) and asked me if he dropped the pot on my page by accident if I’d be mad. I told him no, if it was an accident. Then he continued ranting about how I was a liar, the ink pot slipped from his fingers and smashed all over my newly finished folio. So I beat him up and was sent to the monastery prison for a week. He started apologizing before I punched him the first time and Brother Æthelwine isn’t one to deliberately destroy art to make a point, so now that time has passed I do know it genuinely slipped from his fingers because he was waving it around. But at the time I was so mad that several monks and nuns had to drag me off of him.)
“ Anyway, ” Sister Ediva says, “You should be grateful that she’s growing.”
“It means she’s not dead.”
We all turn our heads to the door. The person who said that, Brother Christopher, is standing in the doorway with a big smirk on his face. I do not like Brother Christopher and I do not want him anywhere near me or Faelan. He’s going to say something mean, I know it.
“Get out,” I point at the door. “I will not think about Faelan dying!”
“I never said she would die!”
“You implied it!”
“I wanna see if the baby is actually as demonic as people say,” he starts to walk into my cell.
“Get out!” I shout. “Get out, get out, get out!”
Brother Ælfric comes running in.
“Leave.” He orders.
“What? Why? I’m not doing anything!”
“You know exactly what you are doing!” I shout.
“Leave before I physically make you.” Brother Ælfric growls.
Brother Christopher tries to look at Faelan but Brother Æthelwine steps in front of her cradle. Brother Christopher scoffs, but doesn’t come in closer. He doesn’t leave either. Brother Ælfric grabs Brother Christopher by the shoulders and escorts him out. I fall back into bed, sighing with relief.
“You’ll be happy to know that she’s somehow slept through all of that,” Brother Wulfric says, staring at Faelan.
Maybe she slept through it because she’s actually dead! I spring out of bed and push Brother Wulfric out of the way. I check Faelan’s chest. It’s rising and falling. Good. She also lets out a snore and some wind. I scoop her up. This wakes her up, but I don’t care. I kiss her cheek. She’s alive. She’s very, very alive! The others crowd around me.
“Ah ha,” Brother Æthelwine says, “She really does have yellow eyes.”
“Bit creepy,” Brother Wulfric says.
“You also have yellow eyes!” I snap.
“They’re beautiful eyes,” Sister Ediva says quickly. “The baby is beautiful, really.”
I start to relax a little. “I know.” I sit down on the bed, wincing when I land a bit harder than I meant to. I’m about to ask them what they will tell the others, when Faelan poops loudly. Very loudly.
“Shite,” Brother Æthelwine says, “I think it's best we go back to the scriptorium, yeah?”
The others agree and flee my cell. I watch their fleeing backs as Faelan continues to relieve herself in my lap. I stare at her. She smiles up at me.
“I’m going to need to bathe you, aren’t I, dearheart?” I ask.
She poops again. I pat her tummy. I’ll give her a few minutes before I clean her, so she doesn’t mess the bath. I know Nervala is evil and furious at me, but it would be nice if she were here to make the mess disappear. I wonder if my sigils are in any way related to clean up magic. I close my eyes and concentrate on making the poop disappear as hard as I can. I open my eyes. Faelan is equally messy and poops again.
I sigh.
Luckily, Brother Ælfric is happy to clean Faelan while I rest. I don’t want to take my eyes off of her, so I lay in one of the infirmary beds near the wooden tub he’s gotten out. He’s actually insistent that he cleans her and I stay in bed. This is very different from what my mother wanted me to do. She told me that after I gave birth, I was not to expect any help from anyone. That I had made my bed and I was to lie in it. That that was what womanhood was all about. Even when I was very ill during my pregnancy I had to do everything myself. Sometimes my father would help me, but only when Mum wasn’t around. She was really determined to make my pregnancy as miserable as possible. I suspect she wanted to do that so I’d hate Faelan. But I could never, ever hate Faelan. Ever .
As Brother Ælfric is washing the poop off her wings, Brother Maldwyn comes into the infirmary with Brother Finley the Novice Master, Brother Hrodberht the Chamberlain, and Brother Godfrith the Sacristan. Brother Hrodberht holds a large basket filled with blankets and Brother Godfrith is holding the cloth he uses to take people’s measurements and a wax tablet. Brother Maldwyn has a tray with bread and more meat on it. Brother Finley is holding a book from the library and a rattle.
“Looks like we’ve come just in time,” Brother Finley says with a smile. “We brought ye and the bairn some things. How are ye feelin’ Bennett?”
“Very tired and very grateful Brother Ælfric is helping me,” I say. “And that you all are helping me too.”
“You need to rest,” Brother Godfrith says with a smile. “You just had a baby, after all!”
They come over to the bed. Brother Godfrith looks me over and nods and asks if I can stand for measurements for a new habit. I’d prefer not to, but I also don’t want to keep wearing this ratty tunic, so I stand. He quickly takes my measurements and writes them down on a wax tablet. Once I’m back in bed, Brother Maldwyn gives me my supper and I start to eat it. Brother Hrodberht puts the basket of Faelan’s swaddling clothes in my cell. Brother Finley sits beside the infirmary bed and reads to me as Brother Ælfric dries Faelan off and swaddles her. He holds her and sits near us so she too can hear the edifying words of Scripture. Brother Finley’s voice lulls her to sleep. It makes me sleepy too. As I drift off, I thank the Lord for giving me Faelan and my brethren.